Are you making this goal setting mistake? 

Are you making this goal setting mistake? 

Today I want to pop in with a simple (but not always easy) goal-setting tip that can forever change a love-hate relationship with goals.

Which of these describes YOU best?

(A) I’m eager and enthusiastic when I set a goal, but once the initial motivation and enthusiasm subsides, I question. Maybe I didn’t really want it or it wasn’t realistic. So, I set a NEW goal, only to soon lose my mojo for that goal too.

(B) Goals feel like a constant reminder of what I haven’t achieved or might fail to achieve – so, to avoid risk of failure, I simply avoid goal-setting altogether.

(C) I do what it takes. I work hard and see my goals through but achieving them often isn’t nearly as gratifying as I thought it would be. Defeated and disappointed, I’ve wondered if this is all there is and question why I work so hard.

To help you make the most of the tip I’m going to give you, let me tell you a quick client story:

David, a client of mine, was a high-level bank executive who checked all the boxes of “success” – but was completely burnt out.

We decided to meet at a local cafe. He walked to my table, a clean-shaven man in a three-piece suit and shook my hand in a very formal way.

As we talked, David held onto his coffee cup like it was the only thing holding him up. He was weary, not just because his commute to his job was 90-minutes, one way, but because he had a secret. 

He hadn’t told his family how burnt out and unhappy he was. Because he didn’t want to let them down.

I asked him what he really wanted. 

He said, “I want to have more time with my family.” “I want to learn how to play the guitar.” And, then, sheepishly, David admitted, “I really want to grow my hair out.”

It was clear to me that the clean-shaven banker sitting in front of me was a free spirit, caged inside a pinstripe suit.

Whether you’re enthusiastic about goal-setting, or you avoid it… whether you do what it takes to achieve your goals, or you quit… a goal without a dream is a recipe for dissatisfaction. 

For the fulfillment of a goal to be truly satisfying, it needs to support what you TRULY want. 

Through our work together, David made the brave choice to tell the truth to his family. He told them how he felt and what he wanted and, as a family, they made some big shifts – to include him taking a pay cut and getting a new job, just 10 minutes from their house. 

He learned how to play the guitar.

And he grew out his hair. 💛

Any time you realize, as David did, that your goals aren’t aligned with your dreams, there’s the opportunity to dig deep and reorient toward what you actually want.

Do this honest assessment:

  • Are YOUR current goals on track with what you truly want? 
  • Do they support the realization of your deepest dreams and desires?

If not, it is time to reassess and determine what needs to shift so that they do.

The clearer you get on this now, the more likely you are to save yourself time, energy, and money in pursuit of goals that may fit cultural definitions of success or meet status quo expectations of others, but that YOU don’t really want.

My simple but not always easy goal setting tip for you today is this: 

When you set a goal, be sure you actually want it. 

Want to take this further and make today your “someday”? Grab a FREE copy of my Refreshingly Unconventional Goal Setting Guidebook to create REAL momentum on your dreams and goals.

Big love, 

Why your goals are out of reach

Did you know that Tuesdays are said to be the busiest, most productive workday of the week? (Do you hear the hamster wheel squealing?) 

If you feel caught on a hamster wheel in life and wonder if you should give up on your dreams, please don’t give up. 

Whatever it is that you’re wanting, I’m betting you know what needs to be done.

You set a goal

You make a plan to do what needs to be done

But what often happens is it quickly becomes a struggle to actually DO … all the while, your goals remain out of reach.

Am I right?

Without you realizing it, self-sabotage is often what KEEPS you on that hamster wheel.  

Give yourself the next 3 minutes and I’m going to share:

  • three ways to SPOT self-sabotaging thought patterns, and 
  • how to STOP them from slowing down your success

Self-sabotaging thoughts are false beliefs that you have unconsciously accepted as the laws of your life. They typically live undisturbed on a repeating thought-loop that, on a neurological level, becomes a pathway in your brain of well-tread trails. They are thoughts that aren’t helpful, that can become beliefs that only add to your struggle and strife. 

Said another way, it’s what I like to refer to simply as your brain on brules.

From my 20+ years of helping people not just dream but actually LIVE those dreams … in order to get off that hamster wheel, be on the lookout for these 3 Self-Sabotaging Thought Patterns:

  1. Black and white thinking  These include “always” and “never” thoughts like, “I’ll never succeed.” or “I always fail.” A really harmful form of black and white thinking is when an experience gets turned into an identity, a foundational and detrimental self-concept, like: “I am a failure.” Black and white thinking is an all-or-nothing perspective that leaves no room for nuance.
  2. Mind reading  Examples of this are “people will think” statements, like “If I don’t go to the party, people will think I’m rude,or “ If I go after what I want, people will think I’m selfish.”
  3. Fortune telling  Fortune telling assumes that the future is already known. An example of this might be: driving to an event and deciding in advance that the drive is going to be difficult and the event is going to suck. 🫤 (Fortune telling can actually become a self-fulfilling prophecy, focusing only on the things that confirm your thoughts.)

Learning to spot your own thought patterns is a powerful step in breaking them. In fact, spotting them IS a break in pattern because now you’re observing these thought-loops instead of living from them as if they are true. 

To spot the ”brules” in YOUR brain, do this simple journaling exercise:

  • Identify a circumstance you’re in the midst of and – with that circumstance in mind – write freely for 3 minutes. Spill your thoughts and feelings about it onto a page.
  • Re-read what you wrote to see if you can spot any of the 3 self-sabotaging thought patterns I shared above. 
  • Celebrate what you notice, knowing that noticing, alone, is a break in the old pattern. 

For bonus points, RE-WRITE any statements you’ve identified as self-sabotaging thought patterns and re-write the rules you accept as the laws of YOUR life

If you want to take this further, I’ve got a free Guidebook that you can download here where I help you bring goal-setting to life. 

Let’s make today your “someday.”

Time management for smarties

Time management for smarties

After a bit of a hiatus while focusing on some projects I have underway, I’m happy to be back and sharing TWO GIFTS to help you champion your goals and dreams – today!

  1. An applied psychology lesson in time management 
  2. A guidebook that walks you through exactly how to take it further

 

⭐ First, the lesson:

If you feel chronically overextended, like there’s never enough time or energy to make any REAL progress on your dreams and goals, that’s a clue that something deeper is going on. 

What you THINK is the problem, likely ISN’T. 

Here’s how to identify what’s REALLY holding you back:

In the therapy and coaching space, there’s what’s referred to as the “presenting problem.” The presenting problem is what exists on the CONSCIOUS level. It’s the problem that SEEMS to be what needs solving, that if you could just find a remedy for, you’d be free!

Or so you think.

Thing is, the presenting problem is rarely the real problem. What’s really holding you back is likely happening on an UNCONSCIOUS level. 

In other words, your brain and your habits are hiding the real problem from you.

Maybe you’re thinking, “Not having enough time or energy to make progress on my dreams and goals feels like a very real problem to me, Tara!”

I completely understand. 

As a coach and author with 20+ years of bringing the psychology of change to light in empowering and accessible ways, I know how frustrating it can be to feel like there’s never enough time or energy for your dreams.

Let’s demystify this hurdle with one strategy that you can apply right away: 

At the unconscious level, people often don’t actually want and aren’t actually eager for a solution to the “presenting problem” — even when they convincingly tell you that it’s something they very much WANT! And even when they recognize that it’s a chronic problem for them.

A client example comes to mind:

Despite her awareness and seemingly emphatic desire for a solution to being “chronically overextended” (← her words), she kept saying “yes” to things!  

“Yes” to that meeting…

And “Yes” to that friend…

“Yes” to that client…

“Yes” to her kids and driving them everywhere…

The countless time management books and trainings she invested in that claim to have the answer, haven’t solved the problem. And she’s painfully aware that she’s missing out on positive opportunities and experiences simply because she doesn’t have the bandwidth to act on them!

Nonetheless, the problem persisted.

Now let me ask you this: 

If she’s AWARE of the problem and eager for a solution, WHY would she keep saying “yes” and agreeing to too much for her capacity?!? (especially knowing she has other goals she wants to prioritize and work towards, like her health and her business)

On the face of it, it doesn’t make sense.

Here’s what’s really going on:

What’s really going on is … something about it SERVES her.  

This can be hard to accept at first.

To see this more clearly for yourself, when it comes to YOU not having enough time or energy to make any REAL progress on your dreams and goals, answer these 3 questions…

Each one nudges the unconscious to become conscious. 

(1) What do you get to AVOID doing, or having to be responsible for, BECAUSE you’re overextended? 

(2) Who do you get to BE in your overextended state? What self-concept does being overextended affirm for you?  For example: Do you get to be a generous person, a kind person, an important person? Does it provide opportunities to prove – to yourself or others – that you are good? 

(3) Who would you BE if you suddenly said “no” to doing the things that keep you feeling overextended? (This question is asking you to pinpoint what might happen if you change or start doing things differently. Who might you disappoint? And what do you believe this would mean about YOU?)

While answering ALL 3 questions helps you powerfully peel back the onion and go beyond “the presenting problem” to get to the heart of the REAL problem so you can find your way to a lasting solution … answering even just ONE can be immensely helpful. 

⭐ Download the Guidebook!

Ready to take this further with FREE immediate access to my 30-page “Refreshingly Unconventional Goal-Setting Guidebook” modeled after the work I do with my private clients to create real momentum on their dreams and goals? 

Click here for your copy!

Big love, 

Demographics Schmemographics

Demographics Schmemographics

Demographics Schmemographics 

I will be first to tell you that it is absolutely amazing what happens and how your dream life takes shape when you make a commitment and show up for expert guidance and community support, cheering you on as you empower and elevate your relationship with yourself, your life, and the world around you. 

There’s no question that by staying engaged, powerful shifts inevitably happen. I’m talking about the kind of shifts that stop holding you back and stop keeping you from your dreams. 

AND – as great as all of this IS, I’ll also be first to tell you that it’s not for everyone. 

I absolutely want you to have that “oh, THERE I am!” feeling, and I want you to confidently CREATE from it. 

But it really doesn’t matter what I want.  🫥

In order for it to WORK for you, you have to also really want it for yourself. Because if you don’t, you won’t willingly look in the proverbial mirror and then lean in and challenge some ideas around your self-concept and beliefs you’ve adopted about what’s possible, true, or acceptable. 

For it to WORK for you, requires being willing to experiment with new ways of being, doing, and thinking that will inevitably make you uncomfortable.

Again, not for everyone. 

And if it’s not for you, or for you right now, that’s ok. 

In my 20 years as a coach, and having served clients ranging in age from 20-76, men and women, of various races, nationalities, people spanning 5 continents in a range of financial brackets, education levels, married, unmarried, parents, not parents, business owners, not business owners …  I have stopped trying to define my “typical clients” in terms of demographics. 

Labels and categories like education level, eye color, age, marital status, where you live, shop, etc… NONE of it has any bearing on whether this is for you. Nor does it lend any insight into the predictability of your results. 

What does?

Well, the answer lies in what’s on the INSIDE. 

It’s in what you yearn for, what dreams live in your heart and don’t go away. It’s in what you’re afraid of, what you believe, who you admire and want to be more like. And why. It’s in how honest you are willing to be about where you consistently get tripped up and tangled in the limits of your own knowledge and understanding.

And, last but certainly not least, it’s in whether or not you’re done struggling and trying to figure it all out by yourself. 

Only when that struggle TRULY gets old, will you show up for the journey and the process and embrace support for accelerated dream realization and self-actualization. 

Speaking frankly about my own journey, it for sure wasn’t the fact that I was living in a basement apartment, or that I was a college grad on a first name basis with collection agency reps that called me incessantly, or my having a therapist who admitted she was surprised I returned for another session, or the fact that my longest cohabitation relationship at the time was with my cat … these are not what made me a good prospect for dream realization. 

“Demographics” didn’t qualify me.

(They also didn’t disqualify me, but they, for sure, weren’t what made my success possible or predictable.)

What made me a contender was my relentlessness and willingness to stop repeating what wasn’t working. And my relentlessness and willingness to dream, despite my circumstances. And my unyielding REFUSAL to believe that my desires were seeded in my heart and head just to torture my soul. 

No.

I was determined that the dreams and desires in my heart were there to be followed – even though I didn’t have the first clue HOW to make them real and felt under-resourced in every possible way

And even though my mind, heart, and home (a.k.a. the Tara’tory) was a Wild West of horses I didn’t know how to ride. 

Nonetheless, I was determined. And driven by the spark of my desired FUTURE. 

I chose to believe that I was meant for something more, something bigger, something far more joyful, satisfying, and fulfilling. 

I chose to trust the wildly illogical thought that I was somehow here to help others, while also acknowledging that this meant I better get on with helping myself first. 

And I was willing to commit to the journey ahead, no matter how difficult. 

I was willing to learn, and be uncomfortable, and not know what I was doing, and show up anyway. Even when there was no trail, I entered the forest anyway. 

Ultimately, I decided that THIS was more appealing than staying in my uncomfortable-but-familiar-and-deeply-unsatisfying groundhog-day present. 

Learning how to operate differently is not for everyone. 

And if it’s not for you, that’s ok. 

Doing an honest self-assessment is not for everyone.

And if it’s not for you, that’s ok.

Willingly trying and failing is not for everyone.

And if it’s not for you, that’s ok.

Self-responsibility and owning your choices fully is not for everyone. 

And if it’s not for you, that’s ok.

Making conscious changes like saying “yes” where you usually say no, and “no” where you usually say yes, is not for everyone.

No judgment. 

I mean, hey, it certainly wasn’t always for me!

For many years, I wanted overnight success and was completely preoccupied with all of what was right in front of me. I wasn’t ready to accept responsibility for my circumstances and make changes accordingly. I wasn’t done looking for shortcuts and wishing someone would come save me. 

Truth is, I had to exhaust those options first before I would be ready for the kind of personal development and shifts that we’ll be exploring, uncovering, practicing, and implementing inside The Brule Breakers Club

Only if you’re ready for a compassionate, clear-eyed kick in the pants, is The Brule Breakers Club for you. Only if you’re ready for that, does it make sense for you to join us.

If you’re ready to spot and deconstruct any and all BS that is not serving you –  from the brules in your brain, to the systemic, societal, and familial brules we’ve all been steeped in by the mere fact of being born – then join us today

With minimal investment, you’ll have TONS of support (from not only me, but the other members of this awesome community) as you successfully break brules and shift into positive powerful productive new patterns. 

If this is what you’re ready for, step inside…where I am an open book, sharing things that have been helping others for decades in my private coaching, now available to YOU in The Brule Breakers Club. 

Love, 

Will Brule Breakers Club work for me? 

Will Brule Breakers Club work for me? 

Will Brule Breakers Club work for me? 

“I’ve seen your stuff about Brule Breakers Club. Will this actually work for me?”

I get it. You’ve tried other things before, as we talked about in this message. And of course there’s the question of “do I have enough time for this, I’ve got responsibilities,” and maybe you’re concerned about what making changes will mean for you.

Again, I get it. 

But here’s the thing. 

If you:

  • Have a dream or goal that you really want to achieve, but haven’t yet
  • Feel restless and like there’s got to be more to life than this
  • Are uninspired by status quo repetition and predictably  
  • Want to BE who you know, deep inside, that you can be  
  • Never want to regret NOT going for the dreams that live in your heart and that don’t, and won’t, go away
  • Feel isolated or tired of trying to figure all this out by yourself

Then, this program is for YOU and this truth-telling message is better than any fortune cookie. 🥠

Turning the page on Survival Mode and starting the next chapter – “Thrival” Mode – doesn’t happen automatically, for two reasons:

  1. It requires time and effort to learn new skills, establish new habits, and build new levels of understanding.
  2. In addition to your life being alive and in motion, its own in-flux system, you are also in relationship with other systems – other living, breathing beings and social and societal constructs – that also are in flux and alive with motion, direction, desires, and no shortage of brules. 🥴

This is why anyone who tells you (or sells you) on one formula or a guaranteed path is either foolish enough to believe that or isn’t telling you the truth.

If you are wondering if The Brule Breakers Club will work for you, here are my crystal ball predictions:

Let me preface this by saying, having doubts and questions is absolutely 100% normal.

This is not a problem.

Sometimes people – even my clients, on occasion – fight to convince me that they can’t realize their dreams, that they can’t move the blocks, and that things just won’t work for them. (This belief that they can’t is what I call “the brain behind the brules.”)

What becomes PROBLEMATIC is when, due to these totally normal doubts and questions, people sit on the fence forever … questioning and questioning and questioning whether something will “work for them.” 

Prediction #1:

It for sure won’t work with a fencepost under your rear! 🤓

When it comes to applied psychology, behavior modification and belief modification must go hand-in-hand because one without the other simply doesn’t work and isn’t sustainable. 

A willing mindset is key. So, if you are someone who holds tight to that fence and to “this WON’T work for me”… and refuse to open up to the possibility that it WILL … and if you are someone who prefers to dig your heels in and insist that you “can’t,” and you are steadfast in the belief that you can’t change your beliefs… then this might not be the Club for you. 

IF, on the other hand, rather than dig your heels in and hold tight to the belief that you can’t…

√ You are willing to doubt your doubt, recognize that you are a living, breathing, evolving being, and celebrate that embracing this means embracing expanding possibilities and untapped potential…

and

√ You are someone who understands that getting results isn’t about what you know, it’s about what you IMPLEMENT and practice…

Then, 

Prediction #2:

Heck yeah! You are likely to get an enormous amount of value from your membership

You can’t just put a date on the calendar and consider it done. But what you CAN do to speed up your progress is commit to the process of BECOMING the person who would have the life you want. By embodying and intentionally constructing the YOU you will be without all those blind spots hiding in the shadows, and without all those limiting beliefs you currently accept as (or at least act as if they are) true, AND without those obstacles that you keep repeatedly stubbing your toe on, the likelihood of your breakthroughs and your desired results increases exponentially!

Brules are sneaky bastards, and I’m here for you through ALL of it.

In The Brule Breakers Club, we’re going to tell the truth and focus on what is in your control. You are not in control of all the pieces and all the relationships and you can’t “make” other people or systems respond like you wish they would, when you wish they would. 

But – you 100% CAN show up for yourself in ways that are self-trusting, self-affirming, congruent, and powerfully aligned with who you are here to BE. When you do THAT, new paths are found, and you learn who you are and what you’re capable of.

Rather than continue to let brules hold you back, let’s make the unseen visible so that you can shift it. 

Prediction #3:

Making such changes may make you feel a bit uncomfortable at first, but it’s also what supports your desired outcomes, personal empowerment, growth and transformation. It’s what enables you to make – and maintain – positive changes so that you THRIVE!

☝️ This is why I highly recommend taking advantage of the annual membership option. (monthly membership is also available)

Come join us! Be “in the room” for deconstruction of the countless brules that hold you back.

To support The Brule Breakers Club container, culture, mission, objectives and purpose, the brules we explore and deconstruct inside The Brule Breakers Club are exclusively focused on the brules outlined in my book, The Brules of Life: 15 Bullshit Rules to Break for a No-Vacation-Needed Life + the 15 brules I’ll be sharing in my NEXT book, and future books. (That’ll be 60 brules in total! As a member, you will receive not only the Table of Contents for future books as they are outlined, but also pre-release chapters, with discussion and coaching around them.)

All of THIS, when shared within a community of support, is what predictably creates, amplifies and accelerates your results.

With so much love, 

Fortune-teller Tara  🔮

Applied Psychology Coach & author of The Brules of Life

P.S. Have questions? Curious to learn how brule breaking can help YOU? Reach out for a Personalized Brule Breaker Chat, a fun powerful 1:1 connection opportunity. You just have a few days left to join for the remaining bonuses!