Why your goals are out of reach

Did you know that Tuesdays are said to be the busiest, most productive workday of the week? (Do you hear the hamster wheel squealing?) 

If you feel caught on a hamster wheel in life and wonder if you should give up on your dreams, please don’t give up. 

Whatever it is that you’re wanting, I’m betting you know what needs to be done.

You set a goal

You make a plan to do what needs to be done

But what often happens is it quickly becomes a struggle to actually DO … all the while, your goals remain out of reach.

Am I right?

Without you realizing it, self-sabotage is often what KEEPS you on that hamster wheel.  

Give yourself the next 3 minutes and I’m going to share:

  • three ways to SPOT self-sabotaging thought patterns, and 
  • how to STOP them from slowing down your success

Self-sabotaging thoughts are false beliefs that you have unconsciously accepted as the laws of your life. They typically live undisturbed on a repeating thought-loop that, on a neurological level, becomes a pathway in your brain of well-tread trails. They are thoughts that aren’t helpful, that can become beliefs that only add to your struggle and strife. 

Said another way, it’s what I like to refer to simply as your brain on brules.

From my 20+ years of helping people not just dream but actually LIVE those dreams … in order to get off that hamster wheel, be on the lookout for these 3 Self-Sabotaging Thought Patterns:

  1. Black and white thinking  These include “always” and “never” thoughts like, “I’ll never succeed.” or “I always fail.” A really harmful form of black and white thinking is when an experience gets turned into an identity, a foundational and detrimental self-concept, like: “I am a failure.” Black and white thinking is an all-or-nothing perspective that leaves no room for nuance.
  2. Mind reading  Examples of this are “people will think” statements, like “If I don’t go to the party, people will think I’m rude,or “ If I go after what I want, people will think I’m selfish.”
  3. Fortune telling  Fortune telling assumes that the future is already known. An example of this might be: driving to an event and deciding in advance that the drive is going to be difficult and the event is going to suck. 🫤 (Fortune telling can actually become a self-fulfilling prophecy, focusing only on the things that confirm your thoughts.)

Learning to spot your own thought patterns is a powerful step in breaking them. In fact, spotting them IS a break in pattern because now you’re observing these thought-loops instead of living from them as if they are true. 

To spot the ”brules” in YOUR brain, do this simple journaling exercise:

  • Identify a circumstance you’re in the midst of and – with that circumstance in mind – write freely for 3 minutes. Spill your thoughts and feelings about it onto a page.
  • Re-read what you wrote to see if you can spot any of the 3 self-sabotaging thought patterns I shared above. 
  • Celebrate what you notice, knowing that noticing, alone, is a break in the old pattern. 

For bonus points, RE-WRITE any statements you’ve identified as self-sabotaging thought patterns and re-write the rules you accept as the laws of YOUR life

If you want to take this further, I’ve got a free Guidebook that you can download here where I help you bring goal-setting to life. 

Let’s make today your “someday.”

Time management for smarties

Time management for smarties

After a bit of a hiatus while focusing on some projects I have underway, I’m happy to be back and sharing TWO GIFTS to help you champion your goals and dreams – today!

  1. An applied psychology lesson in time management 
  2. A guidebook that walks you through exactly how to take it further

 

⭐ First, the lesson:

If you feel chronically overextended, like there’s never enough time or energy to make any REAL progress on your dreams and goals, that’s a clue that something deeper is going on. 

What you THINK is the problem, likely ISN’T. 

Here’s how to identify what’s REALLY holding you back:

In the therapy and coaching space, there’s what’s referred to as the “presenting problem.” The presenting problem is what exists on the CONSCIOUS level. It’s the problem that SEEMS to be what needs solving, that if you could just find a remedy for, you’d be free!

Or so you think.

Thing is, the presenting problem is rarely the real problem. What’s really holding you back is likely happening on an UNCONSCIOUS level. 

In other words, your brain and your habits are hiding the real problem from you.

Maybe you’re thinking, “Not having enough time or energy to make progress on my dreams and goals feels like a very real problem to me, Tara!”

I completely understand. 

As a coach and author with 20+ years of bringing the psychology of change to light in empowering and accessible ways, I know how frustrating it can be to feel like there’s never enough time or energy for your dreams.

Let’s demystify this hurdle with one strategy that you can apply right away: 

At the unconscious level, people often don’t actually want and aren’t actually eager for a solution to the “presenting problem” — even when they convincingly tell you that it’s something they very much WANT! And even when they recognize that it’s a chronic problem for them.

A client example comes to mind:

Despite her awareness and seemingly emphatic desire for a solution to being “chronically overextended” (← her words), she kept saying “yes” to things!  

“Yes” to that meeting…

And “Yes” to that friend…

“Yes” to that client…

“Yes” to her kids and driving them everywhere…

The countless time management books and trainings she invested in that claim to have the answer, haven’t solved the problem. And she’s painfully aware that she’s missing out on positive opportunities and experiences simply because she doesn’t have the bandwidth to act on them!

Nonetheless, the problem persisted.

Now let me ask you this: 

If she’s AWARE of the problem and eager for a solution, WHY would she keep saying “yes” and agreeing to too much for her capacity?!? (especially knowing she has other goals she wants to prioritize and work towards, like her health and her business)

On the face of it, it doesn’t make sense.

Here’s what’s really going on:

What’s really going on is … something about it SERVES her.  

This can be hard to accept at first.

To see this more clearly for yourself, when it comes to YOU not having enough time or energy to make any REAL progress on your dreams and goals, answer these 3 questions…

Each one nudges the unconscious to become conscious. 

(1) What do you get to AVOID doing, or having to be responsible for, BECAUSE you’re overextended? 

(2) Who do you get to BE in your overextended state? What self-concept does being overextended affirm for you?  For example: Do you get to be a generous person, a kind person, an important person? Does it provide opportunities to prove – to yourself or others – that you are good? 

(3) Who would you BE if you suddenly said “no” to doing the things that keep you feeling overextended? (This question is asking you to pinpoint what might happen if you change or start doing things differently. Who might you disappoint? And what do you believe this would mean about YOU?)

While answering ALL 3 questions helps you powerfully peel back the onion and go beyond “the presenting problem” to get to the heart of the REAL problem so you can find your way to a lasting solution … answering even just ONE can be immensely helpful. 

⭐ Download the Guidebook!

Ready to take this further with FREE immediate access to my 30-page “Refreshingly Unconventional Goal-Setting Guidebook” modeled after the work I do with my private clients to create real momentum on their dreams and goals? 

Click here for your copy!

Big love, 

Will Brule Breakers Club work for me? 

Will Brule Breakers Club work for me? 

Will Brule Breakers Club work for me? 

“I’ve seen your stuff about Brule Breakers Club. Will this actually work for me?”

I get it. You’ve tried other things before, as we talked about in this message. And of course there’s the question of “do I have enough time for this, I’ve got responsibilities,” and maybe you’re concerned about what making changes will mean for you.

Again, I get it. 

But here’s the thing. 

If you:

  • Have a dream or goal that you really want to achieve, but haven’t yet
  • Feel restless and like there’s got to be more to life than this
  • Are uninspired by status quo repetition and predictably  
  • Want to BE who you know, deep inside, that you can be  
  • Never want to regret NOT going for the dreams that live in your heart and that don’t, and won’t, go away
  • Feel isolated or tired of trying to figure all this out by yourself

Then, this program is for YOU and this truth-telling message is better than any fortune cookie. 🥠

Turning the page on Survival Mode and starting the next chapter – “Thrival” Mode – doesn’t happen automatically, for two reasons:

  1. It requires time and effort to learn new skills, establish new habits, and build new levels of understanding.
  2. In addition to your life being alive and in motion, its own in-flux system, you are also in relationship with other systems – other living, breathing beings and social and societal constructs – that also are in flux and alive with motion, direction, desires, and no shortage of brules. 🥴

This is why anyone who tells you (or sells you) on one formula or a guaranteed path is either foolish enough to believe that or isn’t telling you the truth.

If you are wondering if The Brule Breakers Club will work for you, here are my crystal ball predictions:

Let me preface this by saying, having doubts and questions is absolutely 100% normal.

This is not a problem.

Sometimes people – even my clients, on occasion – fight to convince me that they can’t realize their dreams, that they can’t move the blocks, and that things just won’t work for them. (This belief that they can’t is what I call “the brain behind the brules.”)

What becomes PROBLEMATIC is when, due to these totally normal doubts and questions, people sit on the fence forever … questioning and questioning and questioning whether something will “work for them.” 

Prediction #1:

It for sure won’t work with a fencepost under your rear! 🤓

When it comes to applied psychology, behavior modification and belief modification must go hand-in-hand because one without the other simply doesn’t work and isn’t sustainable. 

A willing mindset is key. So, if you are someone who holds tight to that fence and to “this WON’T work for me”… and refuse to open up to the possibility that it WILL … and if you are someone who prefers to dig your heels in and insist that you “can’t,” and you are steadfast in the belief that you can’t change your beliefs… then this might not be the Club for you. 

IF, on the other hand, rather than dig your heels in and hold tight to the belief that you can’t…

√ You are willing to doubt your doubt, recognize that you are a living, breathing, evolving being, and celebrate that embracing this means embracing expanding possibilities and untapped potential…

and

√ You are someone who understands that getting results isn’t about what you know, it’s about what you IMPLEMENT and practice…

Then, 

Prediction #2:

Heck yeah! You are likely to get an enormous amount of value from your membership

You can’t just put a date on the calendar and consider it done. But what you CAN do to speed up your progress is commit to the process of BECOMING the person who would have the life you want. By embodying and intentionally constructing the YOU you will be without all those blind spots hiding in the shadows, and without all those limiting beliefs you currently accept as (or at least act as if they are) true, AND without those obstacles that you keep repeatedly stubbing your toe on, the likelihood of your breakthroughs and your desired results increases exponentially!

Brules are sneaky bastards, and I’m here for you through ALL of it.

In The Brule Breakers Club, we’re going to tell the truth and focus on what is in your control. You are not in control of all the pieces and all the relationships and you can’t “make” other people or systems respond like you wish they would, when you wish they would. 

But – you 100% CAN show up for yourself in ways that are self-trusting, self-affirming, congruent, and powerfully aligned with who you are here to BE. When you do THAT, new paths are found, and you learn who you are and what you’re capable of.

Rather than continue to let brules hold you back, let’s make the unseen visible so that you can shift it. 

Prediction #3:

Making such changes may make you feel a bit uncomfortable at first, but it’s also what supports your desired outcomes, personal empowerment, growth and transformation. It’s what enables you to make – and maintain – positive changes so that you THRIVE!

☝️ This is why I highly recommend taking advantage of the annual membership option. (monthly membership is also available)

Come join us! Be “in the room” for deconstruction of the countless brules that hold you back.

To support The Brule Breakers Club container, culture, mission, objectives and purpose, the brules we explore and deconstruct inside The Brule Breakers Club are exclusively focused on the brules outlined in my book, The Brules of Life: 15 Bullshit Rules to Break for a No-Vacation-Needed Life + the 15 brules I’ll be sharing in my NEXT book, and future books. (That’ll be 60 brules in total! As a member, you will receive not only the Table of Contents for future books as they are outlined, but also pre-release chapters, with discussion and coaching around them.)

All of THIS, when shared within a community of support, is what predictably creates, amplifies and accelerates your results.

With so much love, 

Fortune-teller Tara  🔮

Applied Psychology Coach & author of The Brules of Life

P.S. Have questions? Curious to learn how brule breaking can help YOU? Reach out for a Personalized Brule Breaker Chat, a fun powerful 1:1 connection opportunity. You just have a few days left to join for the remaining bonuses!  

Reasons NOT to join The Brule Breakers Club 

Reasons NOT to join The Brule Breakers Club 

Reasons NOT to join The Brule Breakers Club 

I talk a lot about my work and The Brule Breakers Club and WHY it’s so awesome. 

So let me tell you why you’d be right NOT to join…

I realize it’s rather unconventional to write in depth about NOT joining my program.

So why do it? Because, The Brule Breakers Club is not for everyone. 

If you are debating whether or not you can afford to join (financially or otherwise), here are some considerations that I hope will help you decide:

  1. If you find yourself needing to choose between feeding yourself OR keeping a roof over your head, then joining The Brule Breakers Club may not make sense for you right now.
  2. If you feel desperate for immediate solutions and are in a place in your life where you don’t know what you’ll do if a major life-altering change doesn’t happen for you within the next 30 days, then joining The Brule Breakers Club may not make sense for you right now.

The first one needs no explanation. 

In terms of desperation or urgency around results, there’s going to be a lot of growth, but growth doesn’t happen overnight. Brules have been profoundly assimilated into your worldview and experience over decades of reinforcement and, because of this, they won’t just exit stage left in a hot second.

If neither of the above describe you or your circumstances and you wish to join, then I truly hope you will, EVEN IF making the $100 or so a month investment s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-s you a little – be it financial, emotional, or both.

Because let’s be honest, investing in yourself – whether it’s a few dollars, or something with several zeros behind it, not to mention the TIME – can be a symbolic and emotional hurdle as much as it is a financial one. 

It can dredge up questions like…

  • Am I worth it?
  • I mean, do I really get to invest in not just striving, but thriving?
  • Should I really invest in myself now – as in, TODAY??

Ultimately, all of these are variations of the old “Who do you think you ARE?” question.

If you do decide to join us (again, with the understanding that those first two scenarios don’t apply to you), then know that you will be entering a space that is dedicated to supporting your best self, your self-actualization, and expanding possibilities for your life.

The Brule Breakers Club is also a space where “Who do you think you ARE?” is escorted out and replaced with the-same-words-but-a-very-different-question: 

“Who do YOU think you are?”

The emphasis in this question matters.

The first one – “Who do you think you ARE?” – is full of residual head-trash that you picked up somewhere along the way from people who haven’t yet sorted where or whether to discard this garbage, so they gave it to you.

In contrast, the second one – “Who do YOU think you are?” is a process of self-revelatory introspection and discovery, both about your current self-concept and your ever-evolving and expanding Self. 

Say the question aloud to yourself now: “Who do I think I am?” 

Feel that “damn! I am in charge” vibe? 😎

In The Brule Breakers Club, we delight in both the second version of the question and in the version of YOU that this question helps draw out of the shadows and into the light. 

All this to say … I want you to understand that inside The Brule Breakers Club, any and all versions of “I can’t afford it right now” are not supportive, or supported.

Lemme ‘splain.

We hold you as powerful. Period. 

And, to be clear – even if you find yourself in either of the two scenarios I describe at the top – we also hold YOU as powerful. 

Whatever your current circumstances are, while they may reflect what makes practical sense for you to prioritize right now, they do NOT reflect what is POSSIBLE for you. 

You are far more powerful than whatever the snapshot of your current experience of your current moment might be. To pretend that you aren’t would be a disservice, both to you and to the other members. 

Every time you speak, share, or believe that you “can’t afford it,” you radiate disempowered energy and this perpetuates feelings of limitation, scarcity, and not-enough-ness. This isn’t beneficial. Just as spending your last dollar on a life coaching program wouldn’t be beneficial if it means not having enough food to eat.  

If, barring these circumstances, you truly would love to join, then find a way to join!

And, if you don’t truly want to join, that’s ok too.

You can decline without self-limiting statements that reinforce and only root you that much more deeply in the belief that you are powerless or that you don’t have options.

You are not powerless. 

And you have options. 

And those options include what you choose to prioritize.

This very message is just a sampling of the level of thought work and personal transformation that you’ll be supported through in The Brule Breakers Club. And with registration currently set at what adds up to the cost of a cup of coffee a day, it is an absolute bargain.

Click here to join!

Big love, 

Applied Psychology Coach & author of The Brules of Life

PS – The sooner you join the sooner you can get oriented to the Tara’tory. 😜 If you think this might be for you but you’re not sure or have questions, reach out right away for a Personalized Brule Breaker Chat, a fun powerful 1:1 connection opportunity so you can experience and learn more about how brule breaking can help YOU.  

How to quit on never quitting

How to quit on never quitting

How to quit on never quitting 

This is as much a love letter to myself as it is to you.

“Never quit” was instilled in me pretty hard. 

And, to its credit, it’s probably why my business survived the 2008 recession and the 2020 pandemic and why, despite the ups and downs, my relationship with my significant other is still intact. 🙂

I am no quitter!

If you are someone who tends to quit easily and you want to increase your resourcefulness and determination, here’s a quote you might want to write on a sticky-note and tape to your bathroom mirror:

“When you have exhausted all possibilities, remember this: you haven’t.” (attributed to Thomas Edison) 

BUT.

If you’re anything like me, we sometimes need reminders that IT IS OK TO QUIT. In a culture of go-go-go, do-do-do, this may be the most subversive act there is.

But I digress.

My point is: “I am not a quitter” is an ingrained part of my self-concept.

Which is particularly NOT helpful when it comes to bad habits.

I bite my nails. 

It’s something I’ve done since I was 10-years-old. 

I’m 48. And though I’ve had stretches where I stop, a month or so later, this habit (at least so far) has consistently sneaked its way back in. I have yet to eliminate it for good.

And I’ve done allllll the things – from peppery polish that’s designed to deter the habit, to having fancy fake nails glued on. These are temporary fixes. My engrained default pattern is to return to this unconscious childhood behavior.

And that’s typically how it goes. 

While nail biting may seem like an innocuous example, the behavioral psychology expert in me knows that ALL seemingly dysfunctional behaviors (be it nail biting, alcohol abuse, over-committing, over-giving, overeating…) are all an adaptive strategy to create safety and comfort (a.k.a. coping mechanisms).

It can be incredibly powerful to explore one of your own “dysfunctional behaviors” and get real about your answers to, “how does this SERVE me?” 

Bottom line is: Something about it is working for you. Usually it’s that something about it is self-protective. If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t be doing it. 

Even blatant self-sabotage provides some degree of survival mode protection – protecting you now, even if it hurts Future You later. 

When you come to realize that “dysfunctional behavior” isn’t an enemy working against you but rather an adaptive strategy that – at least on some level – SERVES you, you can then begin to appreciate such protective instincts and lessen any shame you may have about the behavior. 

Shifting the perception of the behavior, from an enemy that sabotages you to a savvy survivor-in-action, diminishes shame.

From there, you can then begin to step OUT from the shame shadows and INTO an empowered new perspective where you get to choose behaviors that serve not only survival, but what I like to refer to as “thrival.”  

If, for example, overeating, or drinking, or people pleasing – or nail biting – is the best and only available source of soothing and comfort for you, then good for you for doing it! BUT, when these cease to be the best and only available way for you to get the comfort you need, you now have options. A new choice can be made.  

I know what it’s going to take for me to stop biting my nails. 

The solution is actually pretty simple: 

Behave in alignment with the fully-actualized version of me, who I lovingly refer to as… “Tara.” lol.  Stay with me here for a moment. 

When I refer to “Tara,” I am talking about my Future Self.  

“Tara doesn’t bite her nails.” – me

“But I do.” – also me

Got it?

Try it! It’s a self-talk trick that helps me make a clear distinction between who I am and who I’m becoming, and this helps me see clearly which decisions best align with who I aspire to be. 

Ultimately, the act of building supportive habits that stick requires not just a shift in behavior, but a shift in your sense of identity. Who you ARE in your relationship to your habits is what establishes them, and what transforms them.  

One way or another, you’ve got to build and strengthen the connection between You Now, and Future You. 

And, sometimes, quitting is course-correcting. 

Sometimes, quitting is self-liberation from decades of thought patterns and behavior patterns that don’t serve the biggest, most self-actualized version of you.

Sometimes, quitting is getting on board with the deep and timeless wisdom of your inner compass, no longer playing games you no longer want to play. 

From nail care, to relationships, to how you create your own success… the same principles apply.

It’s about bridging the divide between what [Your name] does and what you do. 😊 

It’ is normal to wonder if you have what it takes. It is normal to feel discomfort, even embarrassment, about aspects of you that are a work in progress. 

We are in this being-human thing, together. 

Doing new things, or old things in new ways, takes courage. But when we show up together and normalize being human while ALSO growing into the best versions of ourselves … This is where the magic happens. 

I have come to adore being actively in the process of creating that which I know is an even more aligned expression of who I am. And I love doing this alongside others who enjoy – or at least want to enjoy – the process too. 

It’s why I created The Brule Breakers Club.

Because, while it’s scary to do the work that makes all the difference…

And it’s challenging to learn new skills and let go of old habits… 

And it can be hard to take responsibility for mistakes, and even harder to course-correct… 

The right support makes it so much easier, so much more rewarding, and so worth the effort. It’s the one clear way to ensure your results – your joy, your happiness, your dreams, your needs, your desires, your THRIVAL.

I want to hear from you! Tell me, what’s something that Future You does or doesn’t do, that you do now?

With so much love, 

Tara Sage

Applied Psychology Coach & Author of The Brules of Life

P.S. #BruleBreakerSpotlight Contest winner to be announced on December 18. There’s still time to post your nomination! Go HERE for contest details!